Cast
ARTISTIC DIRECTOR, Hester Leeward Bastinado, mid-30s
PLAYWRIGHT, Sidney Footz (male or female; mature)
AUDIENCE MEMBER, Sofia Brown-Washovsky Jones, late 20s -early 30s
ACTOR, Brad Nahlz, hunk, looks 21
At lights up , empty stage - five folding chairs. A general wash Basket of bizarre props (whips, chains, whipped cream, etc) upstage Enter the Artistic Director, a business-like woman in her 30s with a slight dramatic flair.
Thank you all for coming back for this evening's talkback. We'd hoped for a larger audience tonight. (Voice raised) I hope the two people still in the back remembered to fill out their audience response forms. We like everyone's feedback. (gracious) We'll be starting in a minute. ( Straightens chairs; long pause) I'm glad all four of you could stay, of course. As I said about an hour ago, I'm Hester Leeward Bastinado, the Artistic Director of the new New Company, our fair city's premiere producer of experimental new plays. We strive to bring you the most exciting new work our rather diminutive annual budget can afford. (Shows brochure) As you may notice from the brochure in your program--there are a few hundred more out in the lobby, so feel free to take some for your friends--our sponsors this season include Rose's Bridal Boutique, Zion Jiffy Lube, and our slightly naughty neighbors, the Strop Shop. They were particularly interested in this play. They even said they'd sell tickets, but they got closed down for two weeks. I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding. I never see any teenagers in this neighborhood. (Noise backstage; a chair falls over) The actors must be clearing up. We didn't have much of a crew tonight and they had to leave right after the opening; it has something to do with their parole. Here at the new New Company, we believe that the arts have a positive role to play in the life of the community. So we're not shy about asking for the help of our friends and patrons. As you're all aware I'm sure--the sign in the lobby couldn't be any bigger--funding for the arts, particularly the performing arts has been cut to the bone, not just the bone but to the marrow. Without your help our innovative outreach program to homeless shelters across the city can't continue. Just because someone doesn't have a roof over their head, that's no reason to deny them enlightening entertainment. And we don't really mind when they throw things. I'm sure you saw the article in the paper. Audience participation is a very healthy sign. But I mustn't go on about my personal interests. (Calling out) Please don't leave the front door open when you leave. Now let me introduce our author, Sidney Footz - that's Footz with a "Z". (Consults notes) Sidney graduated magna cum laude from Southwestern Missouri State, studied playwrighting at Johns Hopkins, and just completed a secret commission for Other Village Players in Manhattan, which they may produce next season. So before Sidney makes it to the big-time, here at the new New Theatre we're very happy to have produced our very first Footz play , "No Longer Than It Has To Be". I usually ask for a round of applause for the author, but let's dispense with that tonight. Instead I give you, Sidney Footz. (Applauds and sits)
(Enters from audience) Thank you, Hester. And thanks to all four of you. I'm glad half the audience could stay. It's hard to get a crowd for new work.
But we're determined to try.
Determination; very important in contemporary theatre.
(looking backstage) Well, our three actors should be out here in a minute, but I wonder if anyone has a question specifically for our playwright ?
(Stands) Ms. (Mr.) Footz
Call me Sidney
Sidney, hasn't this play been done before?
The new New Company prides itself on presenting world-premieres - from around the world.
(Leafing in program) But I thought I read that this play of yours won some sort of award. And wasn't it put on Off-Broadway.
(Rising and cutting Hester off) Let me explain, "No Longer Than It Has To Be" did win the first All-American Long One Act Competition three years ago. That version of my script did have a reading in Manhattan off-Broadway, somewhere above 179th St. But the dot.com whiz kid from New Jersey who was funding the contest went bust. So there never was a second All-American Long One Act Competion and the original "No Longer Than It Has To Be" never had a real production. - until now. A private theatre group in Cleveland read about it and paid me to write something like it for them, with twice as many characters. Which had to be set in Cleveland. I've never been to Cleveland. I did some research, I sent them a script. They sent the check - a small one. That's the last I heard from them. Since then I've sent this script out to over 200 small theatres specializing in new work. Your New Company were the only one's interested, specifically Professor Martin who sits on the Board here.
But don't you write plays for a living ?
Playwrighting -- for a living? What a concept! Actually I teach. Fourth grade. This is a vacation week.
But it says in your bio that you write copy for dramatic presentations.
(Aside to Hester) That wasn't in the program.
(Stage whisper) We only distributed full bios to the press.
Miss....
Mrs. actually. Mrs. Sofia Brown-Marerezti Jones
Sofia. You don't mind if I call you Sofia? You wouldn't by any chance be a member of the fourth estate?
I beg your pardon...
Are you a critic? Do you write for one of the local papers?
It's not really a paper. It's more of a monthly magazine. For mothers. We printed the first two issues to look like a supermarket tabloid, it was cheaper. Some people were confused.
I'm not surprised. You do write for this ...publication.
Most of it. I'm one of the publishers. It's amazing what you can do with a home computer these days. I don't need a babysitter.
You said this publication is for mothers?
We want to encourage them to get out of the house more. We've got a website too.
You'll send us a copy of whatever you print, of course. (Gaily) It doesn't matter what you say, as long as you get everyone's name right. (To Sidney) Right?
(bumbling on disheveled) Sorry I'm late. I had trouble getting out of the straitjacket. Then I needed a beer.
(at the same time) I'm probably not going to....
Didn't Brunhilda and Rocky help you?
They split, man. Right after the curtain call. After all they were wearing their street clothes. (He opens a beer and starts drinking. She straightens his collar, buttons his shirt)
Did I understand you to say you're not going to review tonight's performance?
I always try to be upbeat. Being a mother can be very depressing, believe me.
And you're not going to put anything on the Internet either?
We'll leave the listing up. We like to be complete.
(Dismayed) Maybe you could link to the site here when that gets back up.
(Jumping in) As soon as we find a new Webmaster. His mother objected to some of our rehearsal pictures.
(Trying)Besides, you know what Hester said. "If you like it, tell your friends. If you didn't, don't say anything at all."
I've heard that phrase before. I may put it in a play. Or a "dramatic presentation." (Pause) I free-lance writing industrial shows. For sales meetings, trade shows, conferences. It pays the mortgage.
So you do make money as a playwright!
(aside to Brad finishing his beer) They knew they were supposed to stay for talkback.
To quote the big bad man; "I ain't stayin' to shoot the shit with that bunch of assholes." Wonder if he talks that way in class.
Probably. It's important to keep up one's academic image.
Isn't Professor Martin going to join us?
He prefers to be called Rocky Diablo when he's doing theatre.
Was that what he was doing tonight?
Brad, we needed somebody with tattoos and all that motorcycle stuff...
I knew I shoulda studied pop culture. I bet Prof. Rocky will get some gang members from his class to be in his play next season.
You didn't tell me Mr. Diablo wrote plays. He didn't seem the literate type. Brunhilda had to feed him half his lines.
He has dyslexia. She types his scripts out for him at the dentist's office where she works. They're published under a pseudonym. Shiva Samahara.
"The destroyer of worlds"; how poetic.
You should see what Brunhilda got pierced for him.
Brad, please...
Could I ask another question?
I've got all night.
Actually we do have to be out of here by ten or we pay the janitor extra.
Have you ever thought of writing for television?
Haven't you?
I wouldn't know where to start.
You'd be in good company. Actually, I have written for television...
Hey man, could you get me on a soap.
No, but I could tell you who to call up to be a dead body.
Cool!
Why would anyone want to play a dead body?
They can't cut you out of the script, man.
I write voice-overs for educational documentaries. There are strict vocabulary guidelines.
And you're a...
Fourth-grade teacher. I've had lots of practice. But you do meet people in the industry.
That's very interesting. Could I ask you...
I'm sure someone else has a question for Sidney - or even our handsome hero, Brad Nahlz - I didn't get a chance to introduce him when he came in.
He's not the hero. There are no heroes in any of my plays. Only losers.
(Belligerent)Hey, don't get autobiographical, man.
Just type-casting, son.
Let's not have any creative differences, people.
I have a third degree black belt.
I was in an action picture last year.
(Searching notes) That isn't in your bio.
They cut my scene because the star's wig was the wrong color. He's very particular, not to mention peculiar.
Can we discuss Sidney's play.? We choose "No Longer Than It Has To Be" specifically for its relevance to the turmoil in this post 9-11 world. As I said in the program, the script displays terrorism on a personal level.
Besides I didn't have to learn a lot of lines.
Is Brad Nahlz really your name?
Whatta you think, mama?
Sounds like somebody from a porno film.
I'm available whoever wants me. Isn't that right, Madam Director?
He's a kidder. Actors like to play these scenes. Brad started working for the new New Company when he was still in junior college here. The director, who unfortunately couldn't be here tonight, thought he'd be the perfect victim of sadistic terrorism, something I thought Rocky and Brunhilda carried off very nicely.
(Starts to get up, clearly drunk) I got stripes on my butt to prove that, man.
(Pulls him down) I see we only have a few minutes left. (Rising) Now I want to tell you about our next show. It's another first for us. We'll be improvising all the dialogue during rehearsal from an original scenario. Then we'll look at the video tapes and decide what to use in the show. Our local cable access TV. CUP is helping. They got a grant.
And you won't need a playwright.
We know. Isn't that exciting !
Well, don't tell people to look for me in it. (Burp!) I got another gig. I'm doing a catalog shoot in Texas all next month. (Flexes)
You never said anything about going to Texas.
We've all got our little secrets, lover. (Opens another beer)
I asked you not to drink in the theatre.
Rather I did it at home?
I might write something about this show after all. There's such an interesting dynamic in live theatre.
Why don't you do that, dear? After all, I'll be making my dramatic debut in our next play and I've got someone special in mind for my leading man. It will be an integrated show. And there's a nude scene. I get excited just thinking about it. So thank you all for coming tonight. (Pause) And tell your friends exactly you think--thought--whatever. Be sure and tell them to stay for the talkback too. I guarantee it'll be stimulating. Oh, and in the next show, the nude scene's right at the end of the scenario, so we'll probably just stay onstage for the talkback. (Turns) I'll get the stage lights. (Leaves)
( Goes to Sofia as the lights go out one by one) Actually, I considering doing a made-for-TV movie about a playwright struggling....