Several full plastic trash bags. A long table center with three chairs, A "shredder" with a removable basket. FRED sits at the left end filling out postcards. BARNEY SL is emptying 2nd wastebasket into a trash bag.

Last one from last week. Every script that was post marked by the deadline. Adds card to a fat stack. Shreds stack of invisible paper. Shredding SOUND is heard,

It's after four. How many more do you think we'll get today? Barney fills bag with invisible shreds while Fred speaks.

Well, we got 30 last Monday, the first, which was the deadline. 50 the next day, almost as many the day after. It was down to 25 on Thursday, and only 18 on Friday, I picked up 8 on Saturday. There might be as many today, probably fewer. About $2500 dollars. It's time to close up shop.

You gonna tell Flo?

She's a temp. She'll figure it out tomorrow afternoon when she comes in. Nobody'll be here. Buzzer; two longs & a short Just a minute. Exits, returns with FLO. She's carrying a small bag of manuscript envelopes.

Sorry, I'm late. There was this creepy guy outside the postoffice. I went out the side door and came back the long way. Fred takes bag

Can't be too careful. Dumps them on table; glances at postmarks About half of these are postmarked late. But here's one from Guam. Sorts into two piles

To Barney Hi Georgie

Oh, hi Flo. How was your accounting class today?

Chat later, let's get to work. FRED sits center, FLO, left; BARNEY, right
Deadlines first He pushes one pile to FLO; she opens top envelope, slides out contents. The script is invisible, payment clipped to it isn't.

Money order Puts it in a large envelope ; drops clip in a coffee can

"This Play has No Title" by Fred Able. Hands Barney invisible script; marks title

The stage is empty. A man enters "I am a man" Turns to last page
"Life has no meaning. Neither does this play." The man leaves. Pause

Shred it. Barney does (SOUND); meanwhile Flo has opened the next envelope

Money order Same business

"The Mystery of Droodwin Eddy by Diccon Charles"

No pseudonyms! BARNEY shreds script (SOUND) FRED marks title page

Cash. "Dear playwright. your envelope arrived opened. There was no reading fee inside. We recommend not sending cash through the mail." FRED pockets money, pulls title sheet, makes a note; BARNEY shreds.

Postal money order, from Guam. Same business

"The End of the world; a comedy". I won't try to pronounce this name.

It set on the beach.  page flip  Skinny dipping! End  There's a shark.

I'll add a comment. Shred it. BARNEY does; FRED writes.

Check. Made out to Proper Players, Ltd

Where's it from?

Kansas She puts check in a colored envelope

Charlie will take it--at discount/ Reads title "Sex is Like Flying" From Kansas?

Gimmee! Reading "This play takes place entirely in the imagination of a thirteen wear old girl." Flips page She's imagining being in a music video like Britney, End of play "She is awakened from her daydream by her mother, offstage," "Have you seen the dog?" The dog?

Shred it.

It's not that badly written for a teenage girl.

Named Michael Prodnick?

Shred it.

And that's it for the one's postmarked by your deadline. I still can't believe there are so many bad plays in the world.

It's still early. Maybe there's something yorth reading here. Picks up four late envelopes Eeny Meeny Miney Mo. who will be the first to go? Hands FLO an envelope; same business.

Certified check. Very posh.

"Lady Winter's Summer - in the style of Oscar Wilde. And it's scented.
\

Might just be a keeper. "By Lance Swanson."

If we were keeping any.

It seems a shame somehow. All the hours people spent writing these.

As I explained, we're doing most of them a favor. Checks watch again. it's after five Picks up postcards Better take these cards to the corner and drop them in the box for the six o'clock pickup. Here, take some cash. Get yourself a treat on the way home. Gives her cash pocketed earlier.

you won't need me any more today? Can I still bill three hours? Hands him time sheet.

Of course, that was our agreement. Signs sheet Mr. Smith and I can finish these last few. I don't think you'll miss anything. Holds an envelope to his forehead This one's about three lesbians getting divorced. Next envelope A biblical fantasy. Next And this one cried "wee wee All the way Home". It's a kids play.

you're too much, Mr. Jones. See you tommorrow. I'll let myself out.

Do I know how to pick 'em, Barney old bean ?

You were just kidding about those plays, right?

After a month of this, I swear I'm getting psychic. OK, the return address on the kids play is the Tot Arts Center, Day Care for Little Performers. Rips envelope open Money order Files it and the title is "Purple Plum Pansy, the Panda"

That was too easy. Takes script to shred.

The reverend Alden Xavier Prine Opens Cash Hands money to BARNEY
Buy me a beer later. "St. Paul at Sea". Maybe it's not a fantasy. Hands script to Barney Shall I try for three?

Leafing He has a vision. Shreds both scripts

I hold in my hand the final envelope. Tears open, blows into it, pulls script. A commercial check. Charlie doesn't like those. Puts check in 2nd envelope "Deadline, Nov. 1" Cast. Two men and a girl. Guess it's not about lesbians.

Let me see that. Reading "Two men are seated at a table piled high with
typewritten manuscripts, all paperclipped, not bound."

The old "write a play about the contest" ploy.

"Hadn't we better start reading these plays, Mr. Black?" "Why bother, Mr. Brown, we've got their money." Somebody's on to us, Fred.

It's an obvious complaint. I must have read half a dozen email rants about reading fees when I was researching this "opportunity". That's the third script in a month about a playwrighting contest.

It goes on. "What about all this paper?" "Why do you think I rented an office in an old building that still has an incinerator?" What century is this guy from? Where do we dump that stuff, anyway? Indicates bags

I'll worry about that. Let me see that thing. Takes script, flips pages
Whoever wrote this has certainly seen their share of bad scripts. "Old Shoes and Gravy". Probably some college professor.

How's it end?

"Suddenly there's a knock on the door. The men look at each other. Fadeout"

Fadeout?

Couldn't figure out how to end it. Shred it. Buzzer, two longs and a short; pause, repeated I told Flo she didn't have to come back. Start shredding this batch, especially that last one. Coming! Goes out as BARNEY shreds

I know you said I could go home, but that creepy guy was by the mail box. And when I went around the corner there was that guy I told you about the day I dropped stuff off at the bank two weeks ago. So I went into Selma's Beauty Parlor and slipped out the back. I said my old boyfriend was coming down the street and made an appointment for next week. Then I went around to the alley and came in through the dry cleaners, just like you showed me.

You never showed me that.

You're not cute enough. Did they look like cops?

Not like any cops I ever dated. They're old.

Maybe they're planning to break in and steal money orders. Holds up that envelope Are they still outside?

How should I know?

Barney, you and Flo go down to the end of the hall and peek out at the street. Now! They go. FRED takes the money orders from envelope and puts then in a zip case. Folds some paper, sticks it in the envelope. Puts zip case by his chair. Buzzer. He goes out, all come in.

I think they're both down there together.

They were across the street. Maybe they're playwrights.

The people who write this stuff? Out in the real world? Actually doing something? Still, stranger things have happened. We better leave separately. Picks up check envelope, seals it. Flo, take these home with you. I'll call. Go back out through the dry cleaners, but wear your raincoat, the one in the closet. Please? She goes. They're probably waiting for either of us to come out. Barney, you take these. Picks up supposed money orders and seals envelope We'll meet tommorrow across town at Noonan's. After lunch. Use the fire escape at the other end of the hall. BARNEY grabs his jacket, a wind breaker, puts it on and zips the envelope inside. I'll finish the shredding. Holds up title pages Then I'll slip into that empty office across the hall. The super doesn't know I pinched a key. Holds up keyring. Guess these folks won't get their postcards, Go, go.

See you at Noonan's. He goes; FRED shreds last title pages and dumps the wastebasket into a sack. Shakes it up.
(To audience, perhaps)
I don't think I'll wait across the hall. Barney should be on the fire escape by now. Maybe they're not watching the back--yet. Could be postal inspectors. Picks up pen

It's down the stairs to the basement for me. Then next door through the steam tunnel. I checked the lock last week. Key ring out Old buildings have their secrets. Barney will probably be at Noonan's one way or another. I won't go near the place. I'll leave a message setting up another meeting. After I cash these--and pack. I'll drop Flo a check on the way out of town. Picks up zip case. drops pen in. I cleared out the bank accounts Friday. Ten thousand plus. Not counting today. Not a bad month's work. Hope that flashlight's where I left it.

Puts on jacket from his chair. There's a knock on the door. Freeze.