Empty stage, exterior lighting. Banner across the back. "ALL SALES FINAL" . Morning birdsong .
Enter FRAN, wearing a windbreaker with her name on it, peering around a large invisible box held in front of her by the corners.
Note: All the objects for sale and their containers are invisible; any currency isn't. The date sign which is flipped to indicate the years passing comes from FRAN 's bag . (See Technical Note at end).
(Calling offstage) Can you give me a hand with this, Ollie?
(Offstage)My hands are already full.
I swear this stuff gets heavier every year. (Shifts the carryall hanging from one arm)
(Entering in a windbreaker matching hers) I swear you say that every year, Frannie. (OLLIEcarries two folding tables by their handles plus a plastic folding chair under each arm. He spreads his arms dropping the chairs) You could give me a hand for a change.
My hands are full.
You always go charging ahead.
(Peering towards the audience)I don't want to lose our spot.
And our beautiful view of the back of the antique tents.
That's where they stash the good stuff.
We're not buying a grandfather clock. (He leans a table against her and unfolds the other. He steps back to look at it)
Ahem. (He gets other table, she finally put down the box) What've we got in here?
How should I know.? You packed everything away last fall. I'll go get the new stuff. (He picks up the chairs and leans them against the table, then leaves)
.(Unpacking) (To audience as she puts out the sign reading "MAY 1998, 7 am" from her bag.) The first flea market of the season's always the most exciting. There's always something new, even if it's the same old crowd. I really didn't want to come here at first, but we never had much luck with garage sales, and Ollie, that's my husband, never much wanted to give everything to the Goodwill, so I decided we could give this a try. After all, the kids were off to college, and we'd probably wind up moving once they graduated. They did, but we didn't. Property values just keep going up, and Ollie's salary doesn't. He's going to retire early, he says, a couple of years from now in 2000. If we move to Florida, he'll have to let me give this stuff to the Goodwill.
(Wheeling in an old red wagon) I swear I don't know where we get all this stuff.
You get most of it out of the neighbor's trash.
Gotta have a full table, dear. (Unfolds a chair and sits in front of the tables)
I hope you remembered to take the lunch out of the car.
Next trip.
Isn't that everything?
Pretty much, but I want to put the wagon back in the SUV.
I thought we were finally going to sell it.
I'm not carrying any of that stuff back to the car by hand. (OLLIErises, unloads boxes behind tables, then starts to go , FRAN unpacks, )
Hurry back. I could use some help here.
Why,? You always move everything from where I put it. (Exit)
(Again to audience) That wagon was our boy Harold's. He didn't want it when he moved to San Francisco in 1996. Not much use on the hills I guess. (She moves the open chair behind and unfolds the other . Distant fairground music)
(Enters SL wearing a sunhat over a head scarf and sunglasses) Back at the old stand for another year, eh Frances. (Picks up an item) What're you asking for this?
Emma, you know the rules. No sales until the horn sounds. I'm asking a good price for that . It's the sort of thing that makes them stop--and buy something cheaper.
Well, if you don't get what you're asking, see me after lunch. I know somebody over in the tents who might just want this.
Send him this way.
She's not a shopper.
One of your collectors?
I'll never tell. (OLLIEreturns with lunch carryall and their hats; EM leaves)
Emma looking for deals already? Here's your hat.
Only if you wear yours.
(He puts on his straw boater, she puts on hers. The bands match) I guess they're our trademark. (They whip them off and pose "Ta-dah") (The airhorn sounds, lights fade. )
(OLLIE removes jacket in the dark
and throws it over his shoulder, steps to side of stage. FRAN
flips sign to "JUNE 1999 9am")
Short airhorn in the dark. Fairground music very distant as the lights fade up. OLLIE just reentering; FRAN is taking off her jacket.
How's the crowd this month, Ollie?
Better'n May. And much better than last year. 1998 was no bargain. Our first victims are just rounding the corner down there. Emma been around yet? Missed her in last month.
I don't think she's here this year. I'm not sure she made it.
Chemo didn't help, huh.
Apparently not.
(Strolls in SR. Ordinary looking) Morning. (Walks past, turns back, looks over table)
Looking for anything in particular? That's our speciality--Anything --with a capital A.
No, just looking. Does everybody come right at nine? There was such a crowd on the midway I decided to come this way instead.
We like it here, it's much quieter.
Probably don't do as much business.
You'd be surprised.
(Picks up an item) I used to have one of these.
. Here's your chance to have another.
(Looking at the tag; hefting the weight ) Seems a bit high.
They're harder to find these days.
We might knock off ten percent for a first-time customer.
What the hell--if I buy something now, maybe I won't be so tempted to later. (He gets a bill out of his wallet) Sorry, I don't have anything smaller.
We come prepared. (Makes change from a fat wallet out of his back pocket, as FRAN is wrapping the item) Come back any time. (They watch him leave)
That wasn't real, was it ?
It was a real good copy. Worth every penny I paid for it.
You found it on the sidewalk after the Johnson's moved.
Then I got well paid for carrying it home six blocks in the snow. This covers our space and today's gas. I always did like coming here in June.
(Looking at the wallet) How much money did you bring this time?
It's mostly ones (Hands her the big bill) Why don't you hide this in the treasure chest?
Oh, you. (She turns back and sticks the bill in her bra as the lights fade)
(They sit; OLLIE opens his shirt
to reveal printed T-Shirt. FRAN flips sign to "JULY
2000, 11 am")
OLLIEis fanning himself with his hat; there's a handkerchief on his head. FRAN's wearing sunglasses and holding a small bright umbrella as a sunshade. (this prop was hidden in either bag)
Days like this I wish it'd rain.
They don't come if it rains. Or they stay in the tents, but not for long. It gets so hot in July. It never used to get so hot.
I should've put up the canopy, even if it's faded.
You should take Charlie up on his offer and buy his. He doesn't come here any more.
It's too big
Put up the canopy, it'll give you something to do.
Might as well; it's a slow day. (He drags an imaginary tent-bag around to one end of the tables and begins to pull out poles which he stacks against the back of the table)
It used to be cooler here by the trees, even in July. Even at noon. (EM enters SL wearing visor, carrying a large bag. She heads directly to the table)
Do you have any eyeglasses? I collect eyeglasses.
You mean antique frames?
No, I'm interested in ones from the '60s, possibly even the '70s.
I think we had a pair or two somewhere. We usually drop old eye glasses in the box at church. But when they're really...unusual, we bring then here. Let me check in the boxes. I didn't put everything out today. It's so hot.
I adore hot weather
But you don't wear sunglasses. (Rummaging)
I never wear glasses of any kind. But I'm fascinated with how they look. They conjure up whole eras of fashion.
I never thought of that.
Most people don't.
Here you are. (She holds up two imaginary pairs)
Hmm. Could you put them on?
Excuse me?
I display my collection using life-sized portraits of people from the decade. I use xeroxes out of magazines. Put on that pair first. (OLLIE shakes the canopy from bag )
My husband's going to put up our canopy. We didn't think the sun would be this bright. In 1999 July was much cooler. (Takes off her shades, puts on an imaginary pair) Whoa, this person must have been blind as a bat!
Possibly. Now show me the other pair.
(Posing) How do I look?
Just look straight ahead please. (Pause) Yes. I know who I'll put those on. How much?
(Looking at them) Well, these are from a very exclusive store. How much do you think they're worth?
I never haggle.
Twenty-five dollars?
That's a bit steep.
Twenty-five for both pair.
I like doing business with you. Sold. Can you take a check?
(Who's been unrolling the canopy SL) We'd rather not.
Of course. (Getting money out)Here you go; three fives and a ten. (FRAN hands her the glasses which she's been wrapping. EM strides off)
I didn't think we'd sell diddley today. (Shakes the imaginary tent bag) Shamu! I forgot the tent pegs. (She hands him the money) Let's pack up early and go swimming. (Gets up, goes to his chair)
I didn't bring my suit.
(Hands her a bag) I bought you one.
(Looking in bag)
I'm not wearing a string bikini. (Blackout.) FRAN
, after changing sign to "AUGUST 2001 1pm" exits in
the dark)
OLLIEis sitting behind the table reading the paper (from lunchbag). He folds it, rises and comes around front.
(to audience) Things sure have changed since the 2000 election. I'm glad I retired early and got my money out. Won't tell you who I voted for, but I was disappointed in my choices then and I'm disappointed now. We're still here, of course. The value of the house just keeps going up. The boy's still in San francisco doing I really don't want to know what or with whom. It's his life. The daughter gave us a grandkid last winter though. Fran's out scouting for toys. We been putting Charlie's old canopy up every time since last summer. She likes to hang thing on the poles, especially this macrame stuff. (Fingers imaginary macrame.)
(Bustling in, wearing a summer outfit, carrying an large imaginary teddy bear) You'll never guess what I found.
I can see it's a teddy bear. I'll have to tie it on the roof to get it home. I won't ask what you paid for it.
Miriam gave it to me. You haven't sold my macrame plant holders yet, have you? I want to give them to her.
What'll we do for decor?
You can hang up a coupla pairs of those old ice skates. (Puts imaginary teddy on chair)
I sold them all. Told you August was the month to sell ice skates. What'd you find?
Garnets.
Garnets?
I've always wanted garnets. My mother had some. (Gets them out) They'll need to be cleaned up.
Don't look like much.
The folks selling them kept trying to interest me in their heirlooms. These were in with a batch of rhinestones.
You didn't...
Have you ever seen me wear rhinestones?
I bet you'd wear diamonds if I gave them to you.
Oliver J. don't you dare.
Wasn't planning on it. Garnets, huh? These would go good with that nice evening dress you got at the consignment shop.
You'll have to take me out to show them off.
We're not going to that Thai restaurant. It's too expensive for retired folks. Of course if we did a flea market every weekend...
You'd have a perfect excuse to fill up the basement as well as the garage.
But think of the money we'd make.
Not on a hot August afternoon like this.
Why don't we call it a day. You got your
garnets, and I sold that mangle you were fussing about for $50.
(Points to where it was) I'll start packing up; you take
your macrame to Miriam. Then let's go swimming. (Lights fade
as they move to jobs; both leave in the dark, after FRAN
flips sign to "Sept. 2002, 3pm.")
No one on stage. EM and JAY come in quickly
You'll just tell her you don't want it and ask for your money back.
But there;s nothing wrong with it. All sales are final at a flea market. (Looks behind tables) She's not here.
(Coming in from the same side.) Can I help you folks?
My wife bought this here earlier from the lady..
My wife Fran.
Your wife, and we'd like our money back.
I assume you saw the notice when you came in the gate. "All Sales are Final" Is there something wrong with the item?
No, but ...
Let me handle this..
You folks been married long?
We're not..
Now , Emily...
You two living together?
We were planning to...
I lost my job. We couldn't afford to.
I was going to tell my mother this was a wedding present from one of our friends. She got mad when I said we eloped.
But now you need the money back. Something else catch your fancy, young man.
He thinks this painting he saw is worth a lot more than they're asking.
Could be.
So I'd really like to return this please. (Takes item from JAY and holds it out)
(Taking it) I don't see a tag; how much did you pay for it?
(Looks at EM) Fifty dollars.
Fifty dollars; we don't usually charge that much for something like this. (Pause) But my Fran is a great saleslady, so if you say so (Looks at the item) Fifty dollars it is. See, my motto is "The customer is always right." (He counts out the money; small bills) Next time you should get a receipt, young lady. (They exit quickly. He puts the invisible item on table next to sign) (To audience) Things just aren't the same since September 2001. Who knows why that young squirt lost his job? 'Least he's still alive. (FRAN, wearing a sweater, comes in using a cane) You didn't go and sprain your ankle again?
(Walking briskly) Thought this'd make you look more distinguished when your arthritis starts acting up. (Spots item) What's that doing back here? (Hands him the cane)
They returned it.
I sold it to a young woman. (Picks up item)
Her husband-to-be took exception to the purchase.
I didn't charge her very much.
Well, we'll just give it to the Goodwill along with the rest of this stuff.
(Looking around) I'm going to miss this place. We're not starting up again in Florida.
I sold the canopy to Ed over there for $200.
But Charlie sold it to you for....
I fixed it up. And he's going to come and take it down himself.
You just spray painted the poles.
That's life at a fleamarket. (Poses with hat and cane) I'm going to throw in the wagon. It's not like the boy's coming back for it. His friend won't want it.
I knew he wouldn't make it. We still got the grandkids.
They'll probably outlive us. (Holds out his arms)
I wonder. (Going to him; hug) (Fast fade)
TECHNICAL NOTE: A legible date sign is important. Get a spiral bound notebook with blank pages, possibly an artist's sketchbook. If the paper is thin, staple two or more pages together. Print the dates using permanent marker sideways on pages 2, 4, 6, 8, 10 with the binding at the top. Fold the cover behind and tape in place before each performance. Untape when storing props afterwards. All Fran has to do is lay the notebook on the front of the table with the binding forward, then flip each page over the edge to display the successive dates and times. For reference these are; MAY 1998 7 am, JUN. 1999 9am, JULY 2000 11am, AUG. 2001 1pm, SEPT 2002 3pm. Make sure these can be read from the house.